Talking to your child about gender (for ages 2-10 years old)

Our students start to notice their gender around the age of two or three years old. Around five their concept of gender becomes more conforming to our culture, I see this change a bit in their adolescent years when middle school students relax in their viewpoints of the gender norm.

Children’s early gender concepts

Prior to their kindergarten years, children think of gender as every changing. I often have my pre-school students ask me if I was a little boy or girl growing up. Or I may have a student inform me that when she grows up she wants to be a daddy. Research has found that children will start to develop gender as an identity between the ages of three and five. Once children begin to think of gender as being a trait, they will start to incorporate it into their own identity. At this stage in their development you will see them start to seek out others in their own gender group, I see many children become very excited about learning of their gender and what "group" they belong too. Children will become steadfast in the gender stereotypes that their gender group follows, you may hear them talk about girls having long hair and only boys wearing hats, etc. It is at this stage that you see them wanting to only play with other members of their own gender, they will also start to engage in gender stereotyped toys and games. These behaviors will start to relax when children reach the second grade (ages 7-10 years). Children become more confident in their identity, I start to hear boys bragging about their favorite color being pink and girls talking about their favorite soccer player.

How do we talk to our child about gender?

Vocabulary (depends on grade levels/grade maturity):

• conform [ con-form ] (verb) to fit in with a group or a group’s expectations

• identity [ ahy-den-ti-tee ] (noun) the sense a person has of herself, who she is and what she thinks is important and defining of herself

• gender [ jen-dur ] (noun) the state of being male or female. ‘Gender’ also refers to the social roles, behaviors and traits that a society may assign to men (masculine) or to women (feminine)

• (Note: Many different ideas are considered when defining the term gender. This is a working definition, but one of the goals is for students to develop individual and collective understandings and criticisms of the term so it suits their personal and developmental needs.)

• gender expression [ jen-dur eks-presh-uhn ] (noun) the way a person chooses to show his or her gender to others

• stereotype [ ster-ee-uh-type ] (noun) an oversimplified and/or unfair belief or idea that groups of people have particular characteristics or that all people in a group are the same

Making a difference at home Children model a lot of their behavior and develop their understanding of acceptable masculine or feminine qualities from their families. Families can influence how their children view gender and how they decide what it means to be a girl, boy, woman or man. Children are influenced by their families through the roles they take on inside and outside the home and through the language used with children themselves. Furthermore, how parents interact with other adults and family members can leave a lasting impression on a child's expectations of personal relationships.

Tips for challenging gender stereotypes in the home:

• Ensure that children receive equal praise for the same behavior. For example, praising both boys and girls for being neat or being active in physical activities.

• Encourage children to be friends across genders.

• Use the anatomically correct terms when referring to body parts.

• Point out, critique and discuss gendered representations in the media.

• Avoid gender specific language and statements such as ‘that’s a man’s job’ and ‘that’s not lady-like’.

• Encourage gender neutral toys and colors.

Resources:

Video 1. Are There Girls Toys and Boys Toys? What messages do toys labeled “girls” vs those labeled “boys” send to children, what effect can it have on their career choices down the track, and what can adults do?

2. Male Gender Stereotypes Children discuss what it means to “be a man” in the media and what boys do that are contrary to what media and society tells them about “being a man”.

3. How Disney Stereotypes Hurt Men A look at how Disney stereotypes men and the effect this has on children’s understanding of masculinity.

4. Childhood Gender Roles in Adulthood A humorous look at how limiting and tiring it would be for both women and men to live with childhood gender roles in adulthood.

Websites Letter to Lego A young girl and the change she has on Lego after her strongly worded letter gets picked up by Lego Ideas, a program that allows people to write in their suggestions for what they’d like to see in the Lego range. Hint: she wanted girls to play with scientists and paleontologists.

Gender Identity in Children A resource from the American Academy of Pediatrics that discusses how children develop their gender identities and how they learn about stereotypes from the adults (men and women) who play an important role in their lives.

Sharing the Pleasures and Pains of Family Life A resource from the Australian Institute of Family Studies that discusses family well-being, shared responsibility between family members, and how equality can be achieved at home.

Kids Helpline A helpline and resource for young people between 5 and 15 years of age, including telephone and online counseling and support services.

Parentline The Kids Helpline equivalent for parents! This is an online resource and confidential telephone counseling service for parents and those who care for children available all around Australia.

Articles used:

• https://www.verywellmind.com/piagets-stages-of-cognitive-development-2795457

• https://theconversation.com/when-do-children-develop-their-gender-identity-56480

• https://www.theline.org.au/discussing-gender-stereotypes-at-home

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/toddlers.html